People Smart? (Part 2)

“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” ~James 1:19

A couple of weeks ago, we began to consider the issue of emotional intelligence, which is a modern term from the science of psychology that functions as a measure of how “people smart” a person is. By that I don’t just mean how good they are at handling other people. The skill of emotional intelligence actually begins with our ability to handle ourselves, principally our emotions. Do we understand how we feel and why we feel the way we do? Can we identify the thoughts that feed into our emotions? If we can’t, then we will tend to find ourselves trapped in a rather turbulent, topsy-turvy emotional rollercoaster. We will tend to react under pressure rather than respond, and this is seldom a good thing.

One dear brother asked me how all this relates to the Christian life. Would it not be better to title the subject, “Fruit of the Spirit”? And I would have to say probably not. God grants common grace insights to doctors and secular psychologists, and the Christian must take these insights, measure them by the Word of God, and use the good in them for the glory of God. At the end of the day, whether we call the science of emotional intelligence relational wisdom, common grace relationship skills, or the fruit of the Spirit (in a Christian’s life), there is truth to be mined from this vein of study. And while I will address a major concern with secular psychology at the end of the devotional (that it is inherently godless in focus), let me begin by asking the question: How can I improve in my understanding of myself, of others, and ultimately of God?

The chief skill I think we need to develop is the skill of listening. James tells us that we need to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger. To whom should we listen? The context in James clearly underscores the importance of listening to God, and we will get there in a moment. But first and foremost, a person seeking to improve their EQ must learn to listen to themselves. 

We must take time to ask deep questions, such as: Why does my passive-aggressive work colleague frustrate me so much? Be specific. Why does it bother me so much when my husband spends so much time on his phone and so little time listening to me? Why do I feel so anxious when people are mad at me? Why do I find it so hard to say no to people even though I really don’t have the bandwidth to help them? Why do I need others to validate me and give me their approval? Why do I stress out so much about offending other people? Or why am I so insensitive when it comes to offending people? I know I offend others constantly, but I just don’t care. Why? Why do I get nervous when I walk into a crowded room full of strangers? Why am I so judgmental of other people? The list goes on and on. But people with high EQ ask themselves these kinds of questions routinely, and they answer them in detail. 

With these answers in hand, a person with high EQ is able to rationally respond to the thoughts provoking their emotions. This enables them to manage their emotions wisely, which in turn tends to make them much more responsive and much less reactive when they find themselves in a tight spot.

Because they are skilled when it comes to dealing with themselves, they find it much easier when it comes to understanding other people. A person with low EQ tends to get no deeper than thoughts like: I am really annoyed at so-and-so because they never… or they always…. People with high EQ get past such superficialities and get to the root issue of why they behave this way. As a result, they tend to be much better when it comes to relating to the heart, which is always central to a relationship. 

To develop this skill, people with high EQ listen not only to themselves, but they listen carefully to other people. They hear the words, they observe the body language, they assess the tone of voice in order to build a much clearer picture of who this person is, how they are feeling, and what they need to grow in this moment. They also take time to put themselves in the shoes of the other person. Why are they acting this way? What are they really trying to achieve? How can I best help them?

To develop our EQ, therefore, we will need to slow down and learn to listen to ourselves and to others. But, most importantly, we will also need to listen to God. We need to turn to His Word and read it in a posture of humble self-reflection. We need to understand what really motivates us. What are our idols? What things control and consume us the way only God should? Let’s say, for example, that you spend hours flicking through social media posts or Instagram reels. You feel bad about this and want to stop. The key question is: Why are you doing this? What’s really driving you? Maybe it's the term paper that you need to write but don’t know where to start. Fear of failure drives you; the endless Instagram reel gives you an easy place to hide. There are, obviously, a thousand other reasons for this kind of behavior. 

One of the dangers of secular psychology, of course, is that it is inherently godless. It tends to deal with people only in terms of how they affect me. This is selfish and proud. Without God, furthermore, EQ can easily become a tool to manipulate others for our own ends. This is one of the lessons I take away from the secular book I am reading. Without God, our reasons for improving our relationships are nearly always self-centered: I want a better marriage, or I want to have a closer relationship with my children, etc. Selfish motives are always the death knell of true relational intimacy. But by cultivating a deeper knowledge of God and a more intimate relationship with Him, we will develop true wisdom and the heart to really care about other people. In times of conflict, for example, we will remember it’s never just about me and my frustrating family member, friend, or co-worker. It’s actually mostly about God: who He is, what He is trying to accomplish in this situation, and what lessons He would have me learn in this moment. Only when we approach life from a God-centered perspective will we be able to truly plunder the Egyptians of the EQ world and so use these skills for His glory and the good of others.