Resolving Conflict
“Finally, brothers, rejoice. Aim for restoration, comfort one another, agree with one another, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you.” ~2 Corinthians 13:11
In life, it’s often said that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. While it’s ideal to avoid conflict altogether, we live life as sinners surrounded by sinners; conflict is inevitable. So, what should we do when conflict arises? The Bible provides us with principles to navigate these situations, many of which can be found in Ken Sande’s books on peacemaking.
Give Glory to God: In times of conflict, it’s crucial to remember that life is not about getting what you want. This mindset lies back behind every argument (James 4:1ff). Life is about glorifying God (1 Corinthians 10:31). When we focus on our chief end, we will find the necessary poise and orientation to navigate tense situations better and work towards reconciliation.
Go for a Win-Win Scenario: When interacting with others, it’s always wise to strive for a situation in which both parties benefit. Instead of resorting to a win-lose mindset–which is usually our default position in conflict–seek to understand the good your conversation partner desires or seeks to achieve. By considering their needs first and your own second, you avoid the pitfalls of pride, become a servant of their good, and inevitably move things in a God-glorifying direction.
Get the Log out of Your Own Eye: In moments of conflict, it’s essential to recognize and confess our own sins (Matthew 7:1-4). As Christians, we should strive to be the first to admit our shortcomings. This is especially true if you are in leadership, and it is also true if you believe you are not the one principally to blame for the conflict. This is hard because we instinctively believe that the first person to confess their sins cedes the high moral ground and takes all the blame for the argument. This is not true. The person who confesses their sins first doesn’t lose respect; they gain it. They don’t cede the high moral ground; they actually take it.
Remember, true confession involves addressing only our own sins, not those of others. Avoid all sneaky “because” explanations: “I sinned, and it was bad, but I did it because you…” As a country friend of mine likes to say, “Them’s escalator words; they take the argument to a whole new level.” This is hard–really hard–but it is essential. When you confess your sin, confess only your sin. NEVER use the other person’s behavior to explain your own sin. Why? Because their behavior NEVER gives you permission to sin. Your sin is on you. Own it.Go Show Your Brother His Fault. Once you have confessed your own sin, hopefully your brother or sister will do likewise. If they don’t, let it go for a while. Let them calm down, and pray for them while they do. Then later, if they have still not confessed their sin, you can go and humbly ask them, “May I talk to you about some of the ways I think you may have sinned against me in our disagreement? When I do, I want to be very clear, nothing you did in any way justifies my sinful response. My sin is on me, and it is not in any way your fault. But I would like to talk with you because I fear there will be some distance in our relationship until I do.”
In conclusion, by giving glory to God, seeking win/win scenarios, addressing our own faults, and approaching others with love and compassion, we can effectively resolve conflicts and foster a harmonious Christian community. Let us embrace these principles as we navigate life’s challenges, allowing forgiveness and reconciliation to fortify our faith and relationships.